Drive it Like You Stole it

Screen Capture from Need for Speed Most Wanted Hands-On

The saying, “drive it like you sole it,” has always made me laugh. Just imagining the reckless abandon in which you would careen down the road if you were guilty of grand theft auto and trying not to get caught by the blue lights in pursuit. You would push the vehicle to the limits, wear the tires to their core and push the limitations of fear aside in favor of the one big fear that was motivating you – getting caught. Of course it wouldn’t be funny if someone really drove like this. However, when someone tells grandpa whose getting into his 1970’s era wood-paneled station wagon or the kid who just got his license to, “drive it like they stole it,” they definitely get some laughs.

Why does that phrase instantly conger up images of such crazy and inappropriate driving? It’s the motivation of trying not to get caught in the midst of a major crime. The humor comes in because none of us would ever do such a thing. The other interesting thing about the phrase, is that it suggests we change our behavior and push our limitations by imagining there is a major motivation in place. We don’t ever “drive it like we stole it” because it is wildly inappropriate but what if we did? What if by imaging a scenario that didn’t exist we pushed beyond our limits?

Burpees

I decided to test this premise with a group of our teenage martial arts students during their warm ups. I asked them to do a series of exercises -10 push-ups, 10 sit-ups and 10 burpees. Each time they completed all those exercises they counted that as one circuit. They had two minutes to do as many circuits as they could. It was just a simple request with no consequence at the end. I started the timer and they set to do as many as they could. I kept yelling motivation to them especially when I saw slow transitions from exercise to exercise or pausing in the middle of a set. They definitely worked hard but weren’t quite moving with the purpose I knew they could. At the end of the two minutes, I went around the room and each student announced their number.

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The Gift of Confidence from the Ashes of Defeat

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’
-Eleanor Roosevelt

Imagine being slammed against a cage. No matter what you do… how well you cover, fists slip between your hands pounding your face. You throw a hook hoping to disrupt the assault, but you hit only air and leave an opening where you take another solid hit. The edge of a four-ounce glove opens a gash along you cheek bone. You hear groans. You know the groans are your mom, your wife, your best friend and the people who gave up their time to train you. Your corner is yelling advice that you try to follow but really all you can do is get hit again. Then everything goes black and you know nothing else until you’re with the ref and your opponent whose hand is raised high. The crowd cheers for him. Then you have to endure phrases like, “good try,” and “hey at least you got in there and did it. That’s more than I can say.” The truth is you lost. You failed.

One of the most important things a martial artist does in the dojo is fail. In the Life Skills from the Dojo blog post The Dojo – Our Quiet Little Koi Pond, we discuss the little failures that happen every time you step on the mat. They pave the way to long-term success like bricks laid one after the other – tapped into place so, in the end, they fit together perfectly forming a solid walkway. However, it is the big failures that define who we are. I wrote about my son failing his black belt test in Falling Down and Getting up. It was failing that test, picking himself up and doing what it took to pass it the next time, that taught him who he is. A gift is presented in these big failures, the gift of true confidence.

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Ultimate Frisbee, Ultimate Thought

Every year our dojo takes students to a camp on Lake Winnipesaukee for the weekend. Karate Camp offers students lots of good training, swimming and activities. With any luck, it’s also a time when the students learn something about themselves. The older students are dragged out of bed early in the morning for calisthenics on the lake’s sandy beach and usually subjected to some sort of mental and physical challenge. The younger ones are given a little more responsibility and freedom for the weekend but required to follow a set of rules and are held accountable for their decisions and behavior. All weekend the student’s are pushed and challenged.
During the weekend, I’ll witness several moments where students make little breakthroughs and realizations about who they are and what they’re capable out. This year one of those moments happened during a pickup game of Ultimate Frisbee.
One of the older students, a great kid filled with passion and drive, jumped on to my team. He’s the kind of kid that is up for anything and, because of his drive and willingness to work with a team, is an asset to any group. (He’s also tall, which is always a good thing in Ultimate Frisbee.)
As our team faded back to throw the Frisbee to the other team, this young man was already declaring our victory. The white disk sailed high into the sunny sky over the field until it slowed and floated into the hands of our competition. After a few good passes and battles over catching the Frisbee, we finally gained possession. Being athletic and fast, this young man was immediately open and pumping toward the goal line. I snapped the disk to him. He accelerated, creating a comfortable distance between himself and the person covering. He reached the disk. Stretching, his fingertips met the Frisbee perfectly then he fumbled and dropped it. Immediately, he was angry with himself.

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The Power of Visualization – How your children are imagining success in the dojo.

Imagine a world where you are perfect. In this world, anything you know how to do you can do without mistakes. You don’t have to imagine this world. This world is imagining.

Creative Visualization is like a super power. It is the ability to imagine yourself doing something well, then doing that thing just as you’ve imagined. It is used by top performers in athletics and business and it’s practiced by your child during their karate class. Like many things that are learned in the martial arts, it’s not always obvious to them. They practice the skills, but don’t quite know that they are and certainly don’t realize the awesome potential it has to impact their lives.

This is where you as a parent have the opportunity to step in and help them make a connection. You can be the other side of the coin, helping them stretch this skill they’re learning in the dojo into their lives. If you are an adult student of the martial arts keep reading, this all applies to you too. You can translate this skill to your life outside the dojo.

The Study

Before we discuss how visualization is learned in the dojo, let’s look at the science. In the book Karate of Okinawa: Building Warrior Spirit with Gan*Soku*Tanden*Riki By Robert Scaglione and William Cummins,they refer to a Russian study done just before the 1980 Olympics. The Olympic athletes were divided into four groups:

Group 1 received 100% physical training;
Group 2 received 75% physical training with 25% mental training;
Group 3 received 50% mental training with 50% physical training;
Group 4 received 75% mental training with 25% physical training.

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5 Principles of Discipline from the Dojo You Can Use in Your Home

There are many reasons for studying the martial arts. However, as a parent with a child in the martial arts, one reason that tops the list is discipline. So, now that you have a Karate Kid who is snapping to attention for their sensei but ignoring Mom and Dad when it’s time to get ready for school, what can you do to get some of that dojo discipline into your home?

The bad news is that Karate instructor is way cooler than you. (After all, who else gets to go to work in bare feet and pajamas and play with swords in a padded room?) They only have your child an hour a day and, let’s face it, they’re not you. So, yeah, your kid listens to them. The good new s is you can take some of the principles used in the dojo into your home to help get them moving like a good karate student should.

1: Stop and Prepare to Listen

At home both you and your child are going at ninety miles per hour when you start barking out orders, “come on, get your shoes on, pick that up before we go, I’m helping your brother you need to…” How many times have you been stirring something on the stove, listening for the laundry and yelling to your child all at the same time? To some degree this is just life but there are times when you can take a breath, and ask your child to stop and listen before giving them instructions.

Look at how many times their karate instructor does this in the short time they have them. In our dojo we have three listening positions: a standing at attention (front position), a down on one knee for quick instruction and a sitting position for longer instruction. The point is, asking for attention comes first and is systematized. We also teach that you listen with your ears, eyes (eye contact) and body (staying still).

Try this. Come up with your own listening position (or use one from your child’s dojo.) and the next time you have an important instruction, ask them first to assume that listing position. Don’t make it too serious have fun with it. See if they move a little quicker for you.

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Balance Part 2 – The Tsugi Ashi of Management and Discipline

“Well, you know when you’re rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That’s how I feel all the time.”

-Steven Wright

Anytime we feel tension in our lives… an uneasiness, it’s because in some way we’re challenging balance. The last blog discussed bringing the other foot with us. When you step, your feet are apart and your weight shifts, you’re no longer balanced over your two feet. In order to restore balance, you have to step with the other foot to maintain their relative position and maintain balance. Right after I posted that blog, I stepped on the mat with Sensei Shawn Flanagan (as I’m privileged to do every week.) He had us work the tsugi ashi drill, which is a fundamental drill in our Yoshitsune and many other systems. Here is video of tsugi ashi as done by some Judo student’s. This is just the very basic of the footwork and does not account for angles. Note how they maintain the relative position of the two feet in order to stay balanced.

Feedback

As we interact with people we must also think of balance. Especially if they are people we are responsible for. Many of us are faced daily with the responsibility of management. For some, this comes as mentoring and disciplining children. For others, they are responsible for people at work. For all of us we must interact with people through the course of our day. When we interact with other people we’re constantly providing feedback. Within this feedback, whether we realize it or not, we’re giving reinforcement. Reinforcement comes in many flavors, but for now let just think of it as positive and negative.

Bad Feelings, Good People

I work in an open environment for a technology company. I and a group of newer employees sit in a lower room where we’re closed off from the rest of the employees. The room is divided into cubicles effectively creating a modern day labyrinth. A consequence of this environment is a lack of privacy. Therefore, I am a witness to how they are managed. I, however, don’t have the same job function as this group and am part of a more senior and independent group. I am in a unique position to see inside each group. What strikes me is that tenor of each group is polar opposite. The group I sit with is largely frustrated and can become critical of management. The group I’m part of is very content and praises management. So, why the big difference?

Seductive Negative Feedback

While there are a few reasons the newer employees are frustrated, it largely comes down to balance. It is a trap that management and parents alike fall into easily. When directing people, it’s much easier to dole out negative feedback – “don’t do it this way, do it that way, we’re going to do things my way.” It gets quick, short term results. It also builds long term frustration. Essentially, constant negative feedback and direction is like building a time bomb, built with your own hands, that will eventually blow up in your face. Most of the time, people realize on some level that the tension is building and it will blow up but they continue. The short term results are too seductive to resist – like a drug.

The other thing that keeps us doling out the negative feedback is that it is necessary. A lump of clay has to be pushed, pulled and cut to shape the right way. Employees and children need to be corrected and given direction. You have to tell people when they’re doing something you don’t like or that is harmful. So how do we raise above all this?

The answer is balance. Here is the rub – the balance starts in how we handle ourselves. Many people are in a position of management based on circumstance. In other words, they are in a management position therefore they manage. It doesn’t mean they know how. Think of this in terms of parents. Many people are in this position to “manage” their children but there is a wide range in skill. Moreover, they don’t have to be in a management position to have the need to manage. I would argue that employees are working daily to manage their managers just as the managers are managing them. The only difference is in who holds the power (not necessarily the skill.)

Tsugi Ashi of Management

So when we manage people how do we maintain balance? Tsugi ashi of course. Move both feet. There are two ways to tsugi ashi when interacting with other people. In order to understand them we must define our feet.

The reinforcement tsugi ahi:

Foot one – positivie
Foot two – negative

The knowledge tsugi ashi:

Foot one – understanding your motivation
Foot two – understanding their motivation

Knowledge Tsugi ashi

Let’s look at the “knowledge tsugi ashi” first. Sun Tzu writes in The Art of War, “If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle.” This is the “knowledge tsugi ashi” in a nut shell.

The other day I read an email that one co-worker had written to another. Fundamentally, the email was accusing the co-worker of stealing an account. It stepped deep with this accusation and even took on a condescending tone at times. Just in case the commitment in the email wasn’t deep enough, their boss was copied in. The worker that sent the email understood himself. Everything in the email was in line with what he knew, what his needs were and how he felt. He had zero knowledge of his co-worker or his co-workers reasons. Off the email went. As I’m sure you guessed, it blew up in his face upsetting both his boss and the co-worker. As it turns out, the co-worker was acting on orders from the boss following up on a certain aspect of this and many other of the company’s clients. Had the first co-worker done due diligence and taken the time to find out why this person was talking to his client, he would have had a full understanding of the situation and acted accordingly. He still may have had issue with the situation, but his tenor and approach would have been different. He would have moved with both feet. As it was he stepped with just one foot – his understanding- and was caught way off balance.

It’s a place we’ve all been in – committing to a position then coming out with egg on our face when everything comes to light. The beauty comes when we realize our imbalance of knowledge and move gently into full understanding before we react.

Reinforcement Tsugi Ashi

When reacting to people we have an opportunity to reinforce their actions by the way we provide feedback. In the opening example the frustrated group is largely frustrated because the majority of the feedback they receive is of a negative nature. That is not to say they are being told they are bad or wrong all the time. More than that, they are constantly being told what to do, that they need to do more and yes often enough told they are wrong and corrected. All these things may be necessary but without being balanced by positive feedback they start doubting their worth. Their day becomes as filled with worry as it does with productive work. It has a negative impact on self-esteem.

This is a trap that is easy to fall into with children as well. By nature they need guidance and correction but without the balance of positive reinforcement they become wanton for self-esteem. Unfortunately, a lack of self-esteem leads to several other problems including more negative behavior.

So, the challenge becomes balancing out the feedback that is negative in nature with the positive. The analogy of the tsugi ashi can help. The next time you have the need to correct someone – step with the negative foot – step also with the positive foot. Maintain their relative position… maybe even step with the positive foot first. When faced with a difficult circumstance, seek to understand the other side before reacting (put yourself in their shoes first.) Take small steps, always bring the other foot with you and you will always maintain balance.

Balance

One warm summer day my dad and I drove up to New Castle Island to take a kayak tour of the Piscataqua River. The guide went over a few safety tips and how-tos, then people slipped their boats off the rocky bank into the water. I stepped into my kayak, placing one foot in the center, and then pushed off with the other foot. The boat and I shot into the water with me standing in it like a paddle boarder.

“You a surfer?” the guide asked.

“Nope, he’s a black belt,” my father answered.

I hadn’t thought about it when I did it, I was just trying to get the boat into the river with me on it but, apparently, what I’d done was a minor feat of balance. My Dad’s comment got me thinking about how much the martial arts focuses on balance. It’s a great physical skill to have, especially if you live up here in New England where driveways and sidewalks tend to get a bit slick in the winter months. Couple balance with learning to fall and most martial artist can make it through some dicey situations unscathed.

Off Balance

On the flip side, my cousin and I were loading stuff and ourselves into a rowboat. It too was a warm summer day and we were going to row out to a sailboat that was just off New Castle Island. I stepped off the dock and into the boat first. I spun around and sat down missing the seat altogether and found myself lying flat at the bottom of the boat in three inches of slimy, lukewarm water. I was looking up at the clouds and my cousin who was laughing hysterically. Nobody asked me if I were a surfer or made comments about my martial arts experience. I did, however, get to row out to the sailboat soaked to my underwear.

What is Balance?

Balance sits at the center of many things we do and learn. It can be thought of as that thing that keep us from falling on our you-know-what’s when we do something like kick, stand on one leg, jump into a kayak or try to sit in a rowboat. But, it’s so much more than just a skill to keep us from falling. So, let’s look at what it does for us physically.

We can think of balance as staying upright but it is much more than that. Good balance means that your center of gravity is over your feet. Why is this important? Because, if your center of gravity is over your feet and your feet are under you, you can move. It’s one of the first things beginning martial artist learn. Your feet have to go with you. If you step with one foot the other follows. In the Tao of Jeet Kune do, Bruce Lee writes, “Aim always to move fluidly but retain the relative position of the two feet.” In the Book of Five Rings, Miyamoto Musashi writes, “There is something in the way called the Yin-Yang Foot, and it is considered essential. The Yin-Yang Foot means never moving just one foot. With Yin-Yang, you step right and left, right and left, whether striking, pulling back or parrying a blow. I repeat: you should never step with just one foot.” So now balance is not just some magic function of the inner ear but solid technique with a purpose.

Balance also means that you have two feet. If you bring both feet together (like one foot) the job of staying upright becomes much more difficult. The feet coming together is the exact condition a good Judo player looks for in his opponent. If they see two feet together, it’s time to react and put the person on their you-know-what. Fortunate for the opponents, there are no water-logged row boats nearby. Judo in wet underwear would be no fun!

Now we know that balance means even distribution over a stable base, like two sides of a scale hovering at the same height. This even distribution means that things stay upright and can move. While it may be true that balance has to shift to create movement, it shouldn’t shift too far and should find its way back to center quickly. This principle doesn’t just exist in the physical world it can also be applied to the way we organize our lives.

Work-Life Balance

Something most of us think about at one time or another is our work-life balance or school-life balance in the case of the little ones. Unfortunately, we have a tendency to shift our weight toward work. The imbalance creates stress. The American Institute of Stress claims that stress is America’s number one health problem, and “job stress is the major culprit.” According to HealthGuide.org “Long-term exposure to stress can lead to serious health problems. Chronic stress disrupts nearly every system in your body. It can raise blood pressure, suppress the immune system, increase the risk of heart attack and stroke, contribute to infertility, and speed up the aging process. Long-term stress can even rewire the brain, leaving you more vulnerable to anxiety and depression.” Hmmm… all this because you didn’t move both feet.

We keep both feet under us so we can move. Conversely, if we step with just one foot and don’t bring the other along with us, we get locked in that position. When something else comes at us, we can’t move to avoid it. We’re now in a position where we need to expend significant effort to pull the other foot under us and regain balance or fall. While we’re expending this effort, we’re getting hit by attacks we can’t avoid.

Why are we stepping in the first place? The answer is simple. We’re reacting to something. In our lives it may be the need for more money – your family grows you get a more demanding job that pays more money. If you’re in the dojo doing a technique, it’s because someone is taking a swing at you.

Martial Arts Technique

So let’s think about a simple technique to defend against a straight punch. The punch is coming at you so you move to avoid it by stepping to the left and forward. Imagine you are facing north to start, you step your left foot to north-west to avoid the punch. Now is the time to drag your right foot along so that your immediately back in balance with both feet under you and your weight is even. It’s not a step where the right foot moves in front of the left. You maintain the relative position of your feet and just bring the right along so they are not too spread out. All your options are open. Because you’re in balance you can strike, kick, grab even move again.

The key is to move your feet one right after the other so you don’t you get caught in place. This happens to boxers when they don’t step properly and get caught on their heels. With our work life balance it’s the same, it’s much easier to “bring the other foot with you” right away. As you take new jobs or accept increases in responsibility, consider how it affects your life and what you can do to balance it out. If the answer is nothing or very little, ask yourself if the change is worth it. The important thing is when you react, react fully. Move both feet so you don’t get caught off-balance and have to fight to get your feet back under you when it’s too late.

Family Harmony

Now consider balance in your family dynamic. My family is my sanctuary – the one place I accept nothing less than harmony. When my family is harmonious and in balance I can handle anything anywhere else in my life. It can, however, be difficult to maintain the balance. Take the case of disciplining children. Not only does a child’s negative behavior create tension but disagreement in how to handle it creates tension among parents. That, in turn, can shift the balance of power to the child. In this case the parents are the two feet. If one chooses one way to discipline, the other must support it.

Bouncing, Naps and Cookies

Staying in balance with our spouse is easier said than done, right? The typical dynamic is that Junior bounces on the couch over and over screaming, “Mommy.” Mommy screams for him to stop while tearing out her own hair. Dad sits on a different couch clicking the remote pretending not to hear then takes a nap. Mom finally blows up and loses her mind. In a tornado of psycho-screaming she sends junior to his room and takes away everything he owns. Dad is woken up from his nap, gets upset at mom, who then stomps from the house to, “run an errand.” Junior whines to dad about being grounded and having all his stuff taken away. Dad un-grounds him, gives his stuff back so he can get back to his nap in peace. While Dad’s asleep, Junior eats all the chocolate chip cookies and starts jumping on the couch again.

Bring both feet together (dad gets off his you-know-what and helps mom discipline Junior) and Junior is presented with a unified front. The rules are clearly defined and supported by both parents. A punishment is doled out and enforced by the unified front. Knowing that both parents will follow through and stick with a punishment, Junior doesn’t jump on the couch again. Mom still runs her errand, which is to get milk. Dad sneaks in a few winks while she’s gone. When mom returns, there are still lots of chocolate chip cookies. The whole family reunites on the couch and gets cookies and milk. Therefore, it is clear that good balance leads to cookies and milk!

The Check List

Think about balance as you move through your day. Look at the dynamics of the things as you do and ask yourself if they are in balance. The check list used to make sure you’re physically balanced as you do your techniques can be used in any situation:

Are both feet under you?
Is your base stable?
Is your body over your feet?
Can you move in any direction?

If it’s a “yes” to all these things then you are in good shape. You should experience minimal stress. If you answered “no” to any, then you need to correct it or risk “falling.” Like anything it’s much easier to stay in balance as you move vs. trying to correct it once you been off-balance for a while. So, as you make choices, go through the checklist and stay in balance.

Disarming the Bully

It was freshmen year of high school. One of our required courses was English. A friend of mine, who was high ranking in the martial arts and I would shuffle into English class every day after lunch. My buddy was not an aggressive guy and at times could seem a little meek. He would usually get to English class early and be sitting in his seat before most other kids arrived.

It started with flicks to the back of the head. One boy would come in, sneak up behind him and do something nasty. Training and a gentle spirit had taught my friend to ignore him. However, the bully saw this as weakness and the annoying flicks soon turned into punches. At first hitting went unanswered too. My buddy, always taught to avoid the fight at all cost, went to our instructor and explained the situation. Our instructor’s advice probably wouldn’t fit today’s tell-the-the-teacher convention, which is good advice and a proper first step but, as most of us know, can be over simplistic given the complex social dynamic in any school. Further, bullies are bullies and not necessarily stupid so they tend to be able to work their way around the system.

Armed with our instructor’s advice my buddy arrived early to class again, and again the bully came up behind him punching him this time in the neck. Without leaving his seat, my friend turned around and grabbed the bully by the collar and yanked him down to his level so that they were face to face. The normally calm energy he tended to project gave way to a confidant fire. “You touch me again,” he said quiet but with purpose and so only the bully could hear, “I’ll break both your knees.” He then shoved him back. The bully, his wide eyed and open mouth expression frozen on his face, sat down without a word.

The bully completely avoided my friend for the next few weeks until one day they ended up next to each other in the hallway. They made polite and pleasant conversation and remained friendly to each other throughout the remaining years of high school.

Looking at the Victim

It is up to the school’s administration to look at bullying from the perspective of the bully. They must take a how-do-we-stop-them approach. As martial artist we are lucky that we get to look at it from the perspective of the potential victim. And, it may not be in the way you think. Bullies aren’t stopped by good self defense techniques (although they are sure nice to know when a bully actually strikes.) Bullies are stopped by the right energy. In the story above my friend, who was a good fighter, never hit the bully but stopped him in his tracks with the change in the energy he projected. Sure there were a few fun lines (I’m sure they’ll be embellished when they make a movie about it) but it was the energy – the confidence – that he projected that stopped the bully from looking at him as a victim.

Predator and Prey

The relationship between bully and victim is that of predator and prey – let’s say tiger and wildebeest. Think about how a tiger approaches a herd of wildebeest. They sneak up from behind and chase the herd then attack the slowest, weakest one in the back of the pack. The tiger is stalking its prey for a reason – it’s hungry and wildebeest is what’s for dinner. It wants that dinner with minimal effort so there is no way it’s going after the big, strong, confident wildebeest in front… or any of the middle ones. No, the quick and easy fast food drive through for a tiger is the weakest little guy trailing behind its friends. This is how the bully works. They are looking for the weakest in the herd.

Two Strings

Like the tiger needs food, the bully has a need. Confident, well adjusted and emotionally balanced kids don’t bully. Bullies are lacking self-esteem and bullying is a temporary fix for them. It gives them a momentary feeling of superiority… a false sense of self-esteem. However, like the euphoria of a drug it fades. This goes back to the analogy Joe Hyams gives in his book Zen in the Martial Arts. Two strings are set out side by side and the master asks the student how he could make it so that one of the strings was longer than the other. There are two answers: one is to cut one string, making it shorter, and by default the other longer. The other is to add to one piece and make it longer. The bully is a master at cutting other peoples string to make themselves look and feel “longer.” The bully has to work this way because the circumstances in their life have not given them the skills to lengthen their own string. Further, there is probably someone in their lives that’s cutting away at their string every day.

Energy

We’re not tigers and wildebeests so how are the roll of predator and prey defined? It’s by the energy we project. The person being picked on is giving off energy that says, “Hey, I’m weak prey. Pick on me. I’m good prey for a bully” Generally speaking it’s due to a lack of physical confidence. This dynamic is so profound that it can be seen with the tiger and wildebeests when the dynamic reverses, as it does in this video when a wildebeest stares down a tiger causing it to run away. The wildebeest senses the tiger’s lack of confidence. The energy the wildebeest then projects is one of confidence not prey. It is in this way that the victim can take charge of the situation and stay off the bully.

Many parents sign their children up for martial arts so that they learn to defend themselves. If that bully attacks, they want them to be able to fight back. That is certainly something the martial arts addresses. However, no one dedicates themselves to the martial arts so that they can handle the one or two times in their life that a true self-defense situation comes up. It may be a reason to start but it’s not a reason to stay. What it really does for the bully’s potential victim is gives them physical confidence. It changes the energy they project so they no longer give off the vibe of being the weakest in the herd. If it does come down to it, that physical confidence is backed up with physical ability.

This is a concept that we sometimes try to employ with the victims. “What you need to do is stand up to the bully.” “Give him a good pop in the nose and he’ll never bother you again.” Or maybe Uncle Joe shows him a few boxing moves in the backyard one day. They’re all good sentiments and may even work for the victim. They can also be dangerous. Because the victim doesn’t truly have the ability to back up the attitude, because it’s not a genuine confidence and because they are backing and already scared beast into the corner, the advice could and often does backfire.

The Art of Fighting without Fighting

When a student walks into a dojo week after week to train they are rebuilt physically and mentally. Their health, fitness and coordination improve. And, yes, they learn to defend themselves. Moreover, they are surrounded by a supportive group of people with a common interest in the martial arts and a common drive to improve themselves mentally, physically and in character. They become the kinds of people that hold their heads so high that they are no longer considered for the roll of victim. And, if they do have to get tough, they can back it up.

The Goose and the Gander

In this case what’s good for the goose may also be good for the gander. While it may be somewhat dangerous to give a bully the physical skill set of the martial arts, building up their confidence in all these ways will eliminate their drive to bully. In my years as a martial artist I’ve seen one of two things happen when a bully is introduced to the dojo. They don’t change and don’t stay or they stay and become productive members of society.

There are many dynamics to bullying. We need to keep looking at it from every angle and do what it takes to eliminate the problem. The martial arts are only one way, one possible answer, but it’s a good one especially if your immediate concern is an individual victim.

Fear and Failure

I’ve been thinking about failure lately. It started when I was watching a new student and they weren’t moving. They just stood on the mat not doing the technique I had just taught. This happens with the younger students but usually it’s because they’re distracted or not paying attention or just plain fooling around. Barking out something like, “come on, let’s go!” or “work!” get’s them moving. I could tell by the look on this student’s face there was something else going on. Their expression was frozen and I could see behind their eyes their mind was locked too – stuck in this moment of time like a fly in amber.

There is only one thing in us with this kind of power – fear. When we think of fear it congers images of wide eyes and hands clenched at the face like the poor girl in a horror move that wonders out into the dark woods first. Fear, however, is much more clever and sneaky than this melodramatic association. Moreover, it’s with us all the time, hiding in the shadows of our daily lives, and influencing our every action (or inaction as the case may be.)

Fear can be like the second hand of a clock ticking in background so often and quiet that when we look at the time we ignore it. However, like everything, it has its good and bad. On the positive side it’s our emotional warning system guiding us away from harm. On the negative, it steers us away from failure. That’s right, most of the time we should be headed straight for failure, embracing it, reaching out for it. More often than not success and failure are held tight together at the same barring. Unfortunately, most of us revere failure as something to be avoided all together. It’s definitely something we should be prepared for but also something we need to drive straight to. Think of the race car driver that gets in their car with a helmet and fire suit on and buckles their seat belt ready for a crash. Why? Because there is a thin line between winning the race and crashing the car – a thin line between success and failure.

When I went over to talk to the student, they made it clear that they weren’t moving because they were afraid they wouldn’t do the technique exactly right. They were right, they wouldn’t. As a white belt that had only been training for a month or so, I expect them to do quite a bad job at the technique – at least as poorly as I did the first time I tried the same technique. The student’s path to success was paved with failures but they were afraid to step on the first stone.

For me watching this student unreasonably locked with fear was one of those moments where I got a glimpse behind the curtain. If this little demon had such a tight grip on this student, how was it gripping me and others in ways we hadn’t noticed yet? Then I ran across an article in the December 2011 issue of Men’s Health, From Worrier to Warrior. The article explores a new psychological theory that basically states that facing your fears is the biggest step one can make toward health, happiness and success. It goes on to explain that, “Problems take hold because of our desperate attempts to avoid feelings that make us uncomfortable.” So there it was, I was starting to figure out what fear is up to.

Fear, like a virus, bacteria or those damn bed bugs, is adaptive. We all got big speeches from our fathers or other mentors when we were young about how it was okay to be afraid but not okay to let it stop us. So, stepping out onto the field before a big game, tapping gloves before our first fight or asking out that hottie in our home room are the kinds of things we work up the nerve to do. Therefore, fear had to adapt and become quieter and sneaky. Sure it still screams in our face now and again causing our hearts to pound and palms to sweat. But, it spends most of its time whispering in our ear stopping us from making little decisions. It plants little excuses in our heads so that we blame anything but fear for our decisions. We even rename it to things like worry, nervousness and panic. It causes us not to do or try things… even little things because we are afraid to fail.

Obviously the first step to dealing with it is recognizing the little things in our life we avoid because of these subtle fears. The secret, according to the article in Men’s Health, is to not avoid the fear but accept and work through it (the article has a five step process that I’m not going to repeat but it’s worth a read.) However, when fear is tied to failure, we can embrace the failure.

I watch martial artist embrace failure every day. I stated in my first blog post, The dojo: Our Quiet Little Koi Pond, that for me, the dojo is a safe place to fail. The whole purpose for stepping on the mat every day is to screw up so much that we learn how to do something right. The same mistakes made outside of the dojo walls may equal death. Because martial artist have such a positive relationship with failure, fear doesn’t have the same chance to do its dirty work. Moreover, the reason this works for them is they practice it every day. An article like the one in Men’s Health is enlightening, but its principles soon fade without practice. Therefore the martial art becomes self-help in action.

The value to understanding the roll failure plays in a successful life is great. On my radio show, Seacoast Business Connections, I just acquired new co-hosts. These two gentlemen are on the air with me, every fourth Monday of the month, telling the story of their companies success. They started the company, Pixel Media, in the mid nineties and it now thrives as one of the New Hampshire Seacoast’s biggest technology company success stories. One of the things they talk about that contributes to their success – their willingness to fail. In order to take the chances necessary to succeed they first had to embrace failure. Oh, and buy the way, one of them is a dedicated Muay Thai student.

The story of Pixel Media is a grand one, but what are the stories that happen every day to everyone when they’re were willing to take a chance, shrugged of the embarrassment of failure, squelch the quiet whispers of fear? I for one will be listening for those quiet moments of fear and trying to move past them. I’ll be looking for places to fail. And I will be looking to my martial arts family to continue to humble me and keep my skills of failure sharp so that I may succeed.

Timing

You’re flying down the highway at seventy-five miles per hour when break lights flash in front of you. Slowing down you check your rear view then side view mirrors. Just before the car in the left lane passes you clutch, downshift to forth and notice that your speed has dropped to sixty-five. The car passes. Rolling the wheel to the left and dropping the gas pedal smoothly, you change lanes before the next car blocks you. You then pass the car that was in front of you. Now you’re doing seventy-five again.

We use timing everyday all day. Something as simple as changing lanes on the highway goes from getting home a little quicker to death if our timing is off. Yet, we do it without compunction.

I love the martial arts for teaching us things like timing. Timing is one of those critical and common skills that follows us through our day. It’s so common in fact that we don’t think about it. Most timing happens in our subconscious. Martial arts training taps into the primal space in our mind; it is a complex study of one of the most basic instincts we have – the fight side of our fight or flight response. It takes significant effort to tap into that instinct and program it. When we gain the skill to tap into our fight response we gain the skill to program other subconscious activities like timing.

What is timing and how do you develop it? Timing consists of two critical components: rhythm and observation. Let’s look at a fighter squared off with an opponent. First they observe their opponent. They connect with them, watching what and when they do certain things. They get a feel for their rhythm. Then they move with respect to all that they observed and when it changes they change too. However, in order to be good at timing, the fighter must practice all their skills to the point of being instinctual. There is no time for conscious thought. The observation and rhythm must happen on a subconscious level to achieve the necessary speed for timing. A speed that is faster than thought.

Moving Faster than the Speed of Thought

How do you move faster than thought? Easy, get rid of the thought. You don’t need it. It just gets in the way. This is a Zen principal called mushin no shin – the mind without mind. We Americans owe our understanding of this to the great Zen master himself, Tom Cruise. (Where would we be without him?) In one scene of the movie The Last Samurai, Tom Cruise’s character, Nathan Algren is sparring with his sword. His Japanese liaison explains to him: “Please forgive,” he says. “You have too many mind…mind sword, mind people watch, mind enemy. Too many mind. Must have no mind.” It’s a lesson that eventually leads Algren to victory. The only way to do what we must do without thought is to practice what we must do. When changing lanes on the highway you don’t give thought to the subtle movements required to operate the controls of the car. Sometimes you don’t even think, change lanes. Why should you? You drive home that way every day moving in and out of traffic all the time. You do it without thought.

Observation Without Focus

This no mindedness also helps us with the observation piece of timing. Observation works best when you take in everything. This is why it is necessary to take a step back and not focus on any one thing but focus on all things at once.

Let’s look at our opponent as an example. We know we need to observe them to discover their rhythm so we focus on their hands and notice they tend to lead with a jab. We also notice that every three to four times they jab they follow up with their right cross. Having notice this you’re able to avoid the cross and follow up with a good counter attack. Keeping your focus on the hands, however, has caused you to miss the fact that they take a slight step before throwing the jab. Had you noticed this you would be able to react better to the jab itself. Now you can set up your counter attack at the jab or cross (making it harder for your opponent to pin down your rhythm.) That is not to say you’re consciously noticing all this. If you’re in a state of mushin this all happens at a subconscious level.

Rhythm

The other piece to our timing is rhythm. Rhythm is all about expectation. When we listen to music the rhythm sets up an expectation for us. It allows us to instantly relate to it because we can predict when the next notes are coming based on that rhythm. When a traditional martial artist practices kata (a set of moves that is basically a deadly dance routine) one of the many things they practice within that kata is rhythm. It’s not the perfect rhythm of music. It is an organic rhythm like the ones we use in our everyday life. When watching the kata performed, the rhythm sets an expectation for us. We as the observers immediately begin to relate to it, anticipating upcoming moves and experiencing drama during the pauses. Even someone who has never taken the martial arts has a way to start relating to what their seeing through the rhythm.

In observing the rhythm in things we gain the ability to predict future action. So now we no longer need to react to an action with reflex. We time our action with rhythm. You are now a musician playing your instrument in a band following the drummer’s rhythm. To improve you timing you just need to find the drummer and their rhythm in each situation.

All Together Now

Observation and rhythm on a subconscious level (no mindedness) all work together to give us an instinct… a feel for timing. This could be in something as physical as a boxing match or as integral to our lives as a conversation. Anytime we’re interacting with something that is changing through time with us, we need timing. A friend of mine, who is a great salesperson, came to me once frustrated with his current sales efforts. He was having great conversations, saying the right things, opening himself up to help his clients, however, he was not making the sale. We talked about what he was doing specifically when engaged with his prospects. All though he was giving them all the right information, it wasn’t at the right time. He had developed a great right cross but wasn’t using his timing instinct so it never landed. After looking at the timing of a natural conversation and applying that to his conversations with clients he began delivering information to them at the exact moment they were ready for it. To this day he enjoys a career as a highly successful salesperson.

If you are in the martial arts you’re practicing timing at a high level every time you train. It is a key part of almost every drill you do. The trick is to look at everything you do and find places that you can apply this highly developed sense. You’re probably already doing this to a degree but now that you’re more aware of your timing skill, you can consciously and specifically apply it to new areas of your life. Moreover, you will become aware of the rhythms that happen all day, everyday, around you in nature, in the people you meet and in places you’ve never even considered. As you listen to these rhythms you will work in concert with them, time your efforts with respects to them and find success in your timing.

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